Any one who knows me, knows that I'm super sensitive. I can't help it! I wear my heart on my sleeve. I think too much, I feel too much, I talk too much, and I analyze too much. I'm an emotional being, but their is nothing wrong with that, it's the way God created me. I went through an experience last year of losing a friend, and I have been battling with it for months. I have gone back and forth with myself and with others as to whether I should write about it, and until now the answer has been no. But I feel that not writing about it, not expressing myself, not talking about it, is killing me softly. I also feel like me sharing my experience could offer some insight into someone's similar situation. So I don't want to go into too much detail, but I do want to share my feelings and thoughts and try to end this emotional roller coaster I have been on for almost a year.
As I'm sitting here typing, I am literally shaking with nerves because I don't know where to start or what to even say. I want to be transparent so that I can finally let go, but I'm not sure if that will bring me the closure I have longing for or cause more pain. So I will try to keep it simple and to the point. Initially I thought that my friendship ended with this person because of an email that was misconstrued and two people that were growing apart from each other, but I later realized that this wasn't entirely the reason. I have been angry, sad, and even relieved, but most of all I have been confused. Confused because I feel that a relationship that I valued and held highly was not valued in the same way. Instead it was disposable and replacable like a pair of old shoes. Confused because a relationship that I thought was worth fighting for, was really not. Mostly I was confused because a relationsip that I thought was real, open, and honest, was actually gaurded, artificial , and in some ways ingenuine. Till this day I am still baffled by the events that took place. Till this day I have no real closure and till this day I still wonder what if. What if things were different. If we never grew apart, if I never received that email, or if I never tried to be honest about my feelings, but the truth is, and it hurts me to say, is that it wouldn't matter. I realized that eventually sometime down the line this friendship would have met the same fate.
I called this blog post the ghost of frienships past because I feel like alot of us have similar experiences with all types of relationships. We end a frienship or romantic relationship and then it hunts us. We constantly analzye every conversation and conflict and wonder if things could have turned out differently, but in most cases they wouldnt have . They wouldnt because even if we did everything differently the other persons intentions, feelings, actions, and reactions would remain the same to a different set of circumstances. One becuase that is the type of person they are and two because it wasn't meant to last. Some relationships are stepping stones or even doors to open our eyes to things that we should have seen to begin with. Things like your worth and your value. Things like your love and your feelings. Things that should have always been held highly and appreciated. Ive learned through this eperience that some relationships are just not worth the fight and the ones that are, are being fought for from both sides because the value is strong, the authenticity is strong, the genuinity is strong and the love is strong.
As I finish writing this post, I feel a huge weight lifted off my chest. I'm letting go of all the anger, all the sadness, and most of the confusion, and I am leaving with understanding and forgivness. Writing this post has helped me put things into perspective. I am not afraid of being vulnerable because it shows that I care and I'm not afraid of caring because it shows that I'm human. Being human means that we hurt, we cry, and we bleed, but it also means that we grow, we heal, and we become stronger. I encourage someone to write about their experience and I hope that sharing my experience can help someone in a similar situtation. I also encourage you all to know your worth and appreciate and value the worth of others because in doing so we make room to receive and share a love like the love God shows us each and every day.
Stay beautiful, stay simple, stay sweet,
Dadi
I called this blog post the ghost of frienships past because I feel like alot of us have similar experiences with all types of relationships. We end a frienship or romantic relationship and then it hunts us. We constantly analzye every conversation and conflict and wonder if things could have turned out differently, but in most cases they wouldnt have . They wouldnt because even if we did everything differently the other persons intentions, feelings, actions, and reactions would remain the same to a different set of circumstances. One becuase that is the type of person they are and two because it wasn't meant to last. Some relationships are stepping stones or even doors to open our eyes to things that we should have seen to begin with. Things like your worth and your value. Things like your love and your feelings. Things that should have always been held highly and appreciated. Ive learned through this eperience that some relationships are just not worth the fight and the ones that are, are being fought for from both sides because the value is strong, the authenticity is strong, the genuinity is strong and the love is strong.
As I finish writing this post, I feel a huge weight lifted off my chest. I'm letting go of all the anger, all the sadness, and most of the confusion, and I am leaving with understanding and forgivness. Writing this post has helped me put things into perspective. I am not afraid of being vulnerable because it shows that I care and I'm not afraid of caring because it shows that I'm human. Being human means that we hurt, we cry, and we bleed, but it also means that we grow, we heal, and we become stronger. I encourage someone to write about their experience and I hope that sharing my experience can help someone in a similar situtation. I also encourage you all to know your worth and appreciate and value the worth of others because in doing so we make room to receive and share a love like the love God shows us each and every day.
Stay beautiful, stay simple, stay sweet,
Dadi